Conceal, Don’t feel, Don’t let them know!!

The Pain Behind These Smiles – That Which Noone Talks About

The last time I blogged which is more than a year ago, I was talking about my journey to motherhood, how we discovered we were pregnant, and the hilariousness of the journey. What made it more hilarious is how we discovered we were pregnant, the ulcers and all …lol

So, like every other couple we decided to go for this planned parenthood thingy (our version is using contraceptives, before some get their knickers in a wedge). We obviously went through the whole stress of deciding which contraceptive to use and the child spacing years etc. What we eventually settled for was getting the Implanon aka Jadelle by others, and we said we will space our children by 3 years, yippee!!! Major hurdle passed. I will spare you the details of what we experienced during the use of this contraceptive (post for another day) ?, all I can say is, we really couldn’t wait to remove it…LOL.

Those who are good at Mathematics, have already figured out that we have already removed the bloody thing by now, because its time. Our decision was that we start trying, well not really trying because it was easy the first time right, I mean we didn’t even try, it was just easy peas lemon squeezy, so what would make it any less easy this time… when its planned!! Psssshh!!!

In our parenting minds, we would just remove the implant, have sex when I am ovulating and we get preggo, then Tasha has a sibling just as she turns 3… planned birthdays even ???. Period tracking calendars were downloaded and installed on both our phones so that we know when “ITS TIME”. Focus, my people, focus, man we were focused.

Reality though is, it is harder to get pregnant when you plan to, than when you don’t, we didn’t know it takes a couple of months for the hormones to wear off and make way for a safe travel of the sperm to its final destination, so we were circa 2 months behind schedule. But that’s okay, this little Boklyn will share his/her birthday with Daddy if lucky. So, we kept at it, like bunnies.

In September we went for our grandmother’s funeral in Plumtree. As we were about to leave for Harare, I started to have a running stomach. Guys this was the time of Cholera, and I was thinking maybe I carried the Cholera to Plumtree, or was it something we ate. It turns out I was the only person having the runs, so it was neither Cholera nor anything in the food we ate. The entire journey to Harare I was dealing with this upset tummy. Fast forward to a week later, it turns out it we were pregnant ?, clearly these babies have a thing for announcing themselves as tummy aches.

I was terrified of this pregnancy because If its anything like Tasha’s, I was going to die from the morning sickness, before the labour pains took me. And yes, I wasn’t wrong, the horror of not being able to keep food in, not being able to eat meat, besides KFC dunked wings. This time I became best buddies with a homemade grilled chicken salad, and plain rice and corned meat. The over active sense of smell is the worst.

The best part was knowing that all this will stop like clock work as soon as the 1st trimester ended. Then I would be back to eating normally, so I endured all the throwing up on an empty stomach you can think of. This time I decided let me let nature take its course, and not opt for anti-nausea medication, not easy, but this I had to feel so that I can use it against this poor child as a blackmail tool… ?…lol.

But try going to school and being a mother to an energetic 2-year-old, while sick from a pregnancy, its not easy. I really felt like it was going to be the end of me. As much as I tried to ignore this forever lurking feeling of throwing up, it couldn’t be ignored. I was super tired and lazy and would miss lectures here and there, but exams and assignments don’t care about a problematic pregnancy right. So, I soldiered on, took it like a man ?. Luckily the semester had interesting courses and lecturers, so it made it a bit lighter, and better to deal with.

Because I am a Psychology Major, I definitely will have a bias towards Psychology courses, so I must say, I really enjoyed Introduction to Psychology 2. Besides having to act like boffins, memorizing the brain structure and functions, hormones et al, our group had to present on Grief and its types, with specific concentration on grief caused by death. I presented on the types of grief. Which to me was such a blessing because like I said earlier, our grandmother passed away in September, and a week earlier, we had also buried one of our close friends, so grief was not a stranger to us in 2018. With hindsight, it was all a preparation of events to come.

The semester came and passed, with my belly. And examinations were like, ‘ready or not, here I come.’ All I can say is, I was the least bit stressed about these exams, because I have amazing classmates, who planned a discussion session (well organized I must say), which helped me, because my belly and I missed a lot of lectures that semester. Therefore, when exams came, I was prepared. I also had a vacation to look forward to, the week after my exams we were going to SA with hubby-bae to his best friend’s wedding, and I was looking forward to spending time with my friends too, it was going to be so lit. I couldn’t wait for these exams to end and we go bae-cationing.

So, you can imagine how I felt a tad-bit annoyed on Thursday evening, just after my 2nd from last exam when I went to use the toilet at school and I saw I was spotting. But those who have been pregnant before or those who read know its not really anything to panic about, you can spot when pregnant. Therefore, I didn’t panic, all I did was text Bokani, and told him about it. But because I am a hypochondriac, I asked him to get in touch with our GP and ask him if we could go straight to get a scan done and check if all was okay, and he said yeah, you can go, so we went.

When we got to 24HR medical centre, they did a scan and they said all was well, I would just need to go see my gynaecologist whenever possible so that he can give us his opinion. As far as the GP was concerned, there was nothing really to worry about, seeing my Gynae could wait until Saturday when I was done with my exams, unless and until I felt pains and the spotting became bleeding.

We went home and played and laughed with Tasha, it was all fun and games. The hypochondriac that I am, in the morning, I asked Boks that we pass by my gynaecologist’s so that we see him and he can give us his opinion asap, not that I didn’t trust the GP, but guys when pregnant you can never be too sure about anything that goes on down there or in there. I called the office ahead and I was told he was going to be available after lunch… again now you know me, I told them it was an emergency and I needed to see him, so they called the Doctor and called me back and told me we could come and see him in the next hour.

When we got there, we told him what was going on, then I had started seeing tiny clots on my pad, I guess I saw them the night before. But Doctor Google and some mommies on a pregnancy forum, who had experienced this before, had said, it was common, some sailed through it, and for some it wasn’t good news… but I was confident for us it was going to be good news… I mean we once had an ulcer which became a baby right…LOL…

Sorry I digress… after telling the doctor what was happening, he asked to do a cervix examination, which produced good news. My cervix was intact!!! He sat us down, and explained what was going on. What we were experiencing is called a Threatened Miscarriage. While it is not really possible to establish what causes that, he tried to explain to us the biology behind it, one of the factors could be chromosomal problems with the foetus or problems with the placenta. Being the good doctor that he is, he also prepared us the worst, as well as giving us hope in that he once saw some patients carrying their pregnancy to full term, his exact words were, “God sees what we mortals don’t see,” and I agree to this day.

When we were told that we were supposed to have a scan done for foetal viability exactly a week later, Boks and I looked at each other, ?… that was the day we were meant to go on our bae-cation man!!! The agreement we then had with the doctor was that, we would go get the scan the next Thursday, go see him, if the results were okay, I would tag along to SA, if not, then I would have to remain behind and rest.

With this amazing news, we drove off, I dropped off Boks at work, and I went to my friend’s house so that we could engage in a pre-exam discussion, we needed to ace this last exam. It was an interesting one. Did I tell you that this particular semester we also got socialised on all the Gender Issues, I was going into this exam guns blazing guys…LOL!!!! As we were discussing, I got a text from one of my amazing friends, who told me she was with my mum, at the doctors… I knew my mum had a check-up, what I wanted to know was what my friend was doing there, and she shared with me the most amazing news, she was pregnant, and at that point we were just about the same gestational age. You don’t understand how excited I am for this girl… she does though, because we had been praying for this. I also told her I was expecting and we were extremely happy, we spoke blessings on our pregnancies and prayed for God to protect them until full-term, despite the complications. My day had been made, and I even had more hope for good news, that day was full of great news.

As we were getting close to leaving my friend’s house to go for our exam, I started feeling some back pains, but it was nothing out of the usual, felt just like the regular pregnancy twinges, and I mostly attributed the pain to the discomfort of spending the day sitting on a hard chair studying.

We drove to school, waited for a chance to get into the exam room and go show them how much I knew about these gender issues now ?. I asked my classmates for some paracetamol, but none of them had, so the first thing I was going to do as soon as I got into the exam room was to ask the invigilator for a painkiller. By the way I had gone to the toilet just before leaving my friend’s house to check if the spotting had progressed to bleeding, which was negative. So, it had to be the discomfort of sitting all day, I just had to take a painkiller and endure at least 2 hours in the exam room, go home run myself a bath and relax, then the pain will vanish.

True to my word, as soon as I got into the exam room, I asked for a painkiller, I wasn’t going to let this pain stop me from talking about the Feminist Waves and the different types of feminism that I could even tell you in my sleep. Pain killer taken, I looked at my question paper… Vakomana ndakafara, I was ecstatic, because I was so ready for this paper, I am sure I was going to be done in 2 hours instead of 3 hours. I took to writing all I knew, so I could finish as soon as possible…

But my body and womb thought otherwise, the pain just automatically vanished, and I felt a sudden warmth between my legs. Part of me thought I could ignore it and finish my exam, this was the bloody last exam guys, I had to finish it, I wasn’t going to be one of those people who got out of the exam room because they were sick. The feeling got worse, I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I tried standing so that I would go to the toilet, but the slight attempt to move, made me change my mind. I couldn’t do it alone. I raised my hand, and the same invigilator who gave me the painkiller, walked down the aisle to my desk, all I could say to her was, “I need your help, I think I am having a miscarriage.” There was a look of shock that registered on her face, I mean I would also be shocked If I were her, the most she could do was say, “okay wait, I am coming back.” She went to the Assistant Academic Registrar, who thank God had 2 scarfs she carried with her, because it was a cold day. Now it was 3 women walking towards me, and we all know how curious human beings can be when 3 invigilators walk up-to a student… she has to be cheating… LOL. At that moment, I promise you, I could take having been caught cheating any day.

I wasn’t ready to stand with blood dripping down my legs to the floor, with the person seated behind me seeing a blood-stained chair, I just couldn’t do that. When they asked me to stand, I told them I couldn’t because the chair was stained. Those women were amazing, either it’s the female instinct that kicked in, or it was God talking through them, I would like to believe its both… they told me to not worry about the chair, or the floor being stained, I should just cover myself with the scarfs and walk to the toilet (which was also about 10-20 metres from where I was sitting). Then I think shock vanished and the reality of what was happening arrived, I didn’t care about who was going to stare at me, or what they were going to say… I was losing my baby and we had to do something, so I bravely stood and walked to the toilet. As I was walking, I felt more and more of that warmth, and as I got to the toilet, I felt something in between my legs, and I knew it was done.

My friend (God bless her, and may she pass this exam with a distinction, and the Assistant Registrar told me she is a keeper ?), followed to the toilet, she had to be the one to call my husband and tell him what had just happened, or rather what was happening, as I was now an emotional wreck. Every female in there, was hopeful, they were all positive we could get to the hospital fast enough and save the baby… but I knew there was nothing to be saved anymore, that threat had come to pass. So, I calmly told them, I could drive to my husband’s office (which is 15 minutes away from school) and pick him up, then we could go to the hospital and deal with it together. To me, it was that easy.

I will continue thanking God for these women, and perhaps the school policy (again I will take both) for they refused to let me drive, because they could see I wasn’t going to make it to that hospital, especially after driving to get my husband. They took the school car and drove me to the nearest 24hr medical centre, they explained what had happened to the doctors, I was wheeled into the hospital, and had observations done, which confirmed what I already knew… we had miscarried, at 11 weeks. I needed to get a Dilation and Evacuation done to complete the process. That had to be done when my husband arrived because I wanted him to be there. I am sure by now you have gathered that we share a car, and I had the car, so he had to wait for his colleagues to bring him. These amazing women would not leave me alone, they only left when I had a relative with me, thanks to Megan who came to keep me company while we waited for Bokani.

As soon as I got to the hospital, the first thing the doctor asked was for me to have an IV drip put to give me a fluid boost pre-surgery. Now thinking about it, had I gone against the better judgement of my lecturers, and drove myself to my husband’s office, I wasn’t going to make it, because I suddenly felt very faint, and the last thing I remember was Bokani talking to his sister, she wanted to talk to me, but I couldn’t, and the doctor asking if I am feeling faint, and I nodded. I had a sudden hot flush and felt like throwing up, I asked for a bucket and I blacked out.

It must have been a short black out, because when I came to, the doctor was ordering the nurses to prepare for the surgery to be done on the bed, because there wasn’t time to take me to the theatre, the movement alone was going to be traumatic for my already frail body…

The surgery was done, I came to, high and all… floating AF ???, all I could hear was my husband’s voice, and my friend’s voice (she came to where I was as soon as she finished her exam…xxx). Like I said I was high AF… ??? … I can’t remember what I was saying, I couldn’t even place the voices to the correct face, but I was alive…LOL… Got more visitors, my little sister also came to see me in hospital. I got discharged that very evening. We went home to a waiting wide-eyed and bushy-tailed 2-year-old who only really falls asleep when mummy and daddy are home. A welcome I was grateful for on that day ♥.

We went to see our gynae the next couple of days, and he was ever so empathic, we had a small talk with him, to the best of his ability, again explaining the biological possibilities of what could have caused the miscarriage. Above all, he also gave us some good news, he gave us the go ahead to try again for another baby, when we felt emotionally and physically ready… wink wink

“Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, Be the good girl you always have to be, conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know, well now they know.” – Idina Menzel (Frozen-Let it Go Lyrics)

Now its almost exactly 2 months later, am I feeling better? My response is always, physically I am feeling very much okay, I mean we even went for our bae-cation, which I needed more then than before. Emotionally, some days are good, some are horrible. They are most horrible when you get one innocent, but otherwise intrusive enquiry about when we are giving Natasha a sibling. Or a remark on how I have put on weight and the next question is are you pregnant. All I can say is it will probably get better with time. I know some are probably thinking, but you have another child already. Yes, that can be so, but that child I lost already had a name and Natasha was already singing for it, it was as much in my arms as it was in my womb. How is my husband dealing with it, honestly, I don’t know, he tells me he is okay, we have tried talking about it, I know he hurts too sometimes, so I also allow him to grieve in his own way.

What has made this bearable is the emotional support we have gotten from my family (biological, marital, adopted i.e friends, classmates et al) . Through prayer, comfort, and just talking and laughing in general, that has helped so much, and I thank you. Nothing beats an understanding circle to help you through an emotional time.

So, like I said earlier, with hind sight I believe the Grief part of Psych 2 that we presented on, was preparing me for this moment. I am allowing myself to grieve in my own way and at my own pace, and hell yeah, it has made me feel normal about grieving for a 11-week fig-sized baby, a pain which society would expect one to swallow and digest, excrete and pretend it never existed by now.

During this chapter of my life, I realised that we are not alone in this. The number of couples who I now know have gone through what we went through, perhaps even more times than we have, but have just been carrying this internally, is just amazing. Some I might have also made the all too common intrusive and painful enquiry on them (I apologize greatly). I am still dealing with this and it will forever be a part of me. It’s a blessing that it’s not written on our foreheads, that I have had a miscarriage too… but it’s also a greater disadvantage to the next woman out there, who has also just had her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th miscarriage, but cannot identify with a sister to talk to, one who has gone through what she has gone through, and can easily identify with her pain… So, I am putting this inscription on my forehead…

I had a miscarriage too, please feel free to pour out your heart to me, I might not have the answers to your questions, but I can relate to what you are going through.

PS: I just texted my friend right now, to tell her what y’all about to read, because I hadn’t told her about the miscarriage, I didn’t want to steal her joy.